The very definition of anxiety seems to include fear that is pending. Anticipation anxiety is a very real and devastating place to find yourself.
At the start of the pandemic, I thought very little of impending doom, but as the days, weeks, and years went on, I became increasingly anxious with every cough or sneeze I was around. Here's my story and how I found freedom from anticipation anxiety!
My Anticipation Anxiety Story:
Most of us dealt with some anxiety during this global pandemic and can relate on some level to the anticipation anxiety I faced when it came to covid! I hope that if you are still dealing with a bit of it or feel a sense of impending doom, my story can help set you free!
I was pregnant in 2020 at the start of the coronavirus. I live overseas in an underdeveloped country in Asia. The country we live in decided to do a complete lockdown starting at the end of March 2020. We were in a total lockdown and unable to leave our home except for groceries for a few select hours per day. It was isolating and sad.
Fast forward 72 days, still in lockdown, and we decided to come back to America on an emergency flight to have better care for my pregnancy.
Since everything was up in the air with the state of the entire world, it seemed like the right decision. That decision, though the right one, led us to be displaced from our home overseas for eight months! High stress and uncertainty doesn't even begin to explain that season of life.
Throughout that time, there were many bouts of anticipation anxiety that I dealt with. Still, it wasn't until we arrived back at our home in Asia in 2021 that I realized how much this pandemic had affected my ability to handle sickness or the thought of it.
Even though we went the entire years of 2020 and 2021 without a single case of covid in our family, which was (and still is) a total point of gratitude in my heart, I still had this feeling of "pending doom!"
Like covid was going to hunt me down and find me someway somehow! I told no one of this. I tried to convince myself that I had "faith" and that this fear was no match for my confidence in God's ability to protect me.
The stories of friends having it were becoming more and more frequent, and the testimonies of others who'd never had it were becoming less and less.
The anticipation anxiety was building in my heart, and I had no idea it was as prominent as it was.
Fast forward to 2022, we crossed into the new year, still scotch free of any sign of covid. Sadly, that all ended on January 26th, 2022, and I realized that anticipation anxiety had been looming for YEARS. It had built up and overwhelmed me quickly as my worst fears arose. I woke up with chills so deep that my teeth were chattering. Not a single blanket or five layers of socks and clothes could keep me warm. I was terrified.
Instead of building my faith and encouraging myself during the last two years, I had spent much of that time pushing down worry, fear, doubt, and anxiousness. Never realizing, it was compounding, and all it needed was a positive test result to explode.
I was hopeful that my worst fears hadn't just come true, so we called an at-home service to come and test us. A few hours later, I found out I was positive. I sat on our stairway with the email opened on my phone in a puddle. The anticipation anxiety was built up, and now my fears had become a reality. It was scary. I wept. Thoughts raced through my head faster than I could speak faith to them.
"What if I die?"
"What if I can't breathe?"
"What if I can't get an oxygen tank like so many others have had a hard time getting here?"
"What if my kids get it and they can't breathe?"
The thoughts were overwhelming, and before I knew it, I was hiding and crying my eyes out on my husband's shoulders.
He's always been good at speaking faith and encouragement to the fears I face, but this time he just prayed for me with a gentle confidence that God would see us through.
I realized at that moment that all the anticipation had led me nowhere.
The anticipation anxiety didn't help me not to get covid.
It didn't help me to prepare for getting covid.
There was no ease or peace from "holding my breath" for that long. The "I knew it," in my brain didn't make me feel better about that test result.
The anticipation anxiety I had become accustomed to didn't even help me heal from this virus.
It did nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Well, not nothing, it did something --- it stole my peace for two years.
For many families worldwide, covid caused a devastating loss, and I am so incredibly sorry for those families. I do not tell this story to make light of the fears many have faced but to encourage those who live day in and day out with so much anticipation anxiety (whether for covid, cancer, or other things) that they cannot live in the present moments of life with peace.
Peace in the present is what every one of us desires, and having it makes this life sweet in every sense of the word.
Here's what Jesus had to say about worry, fear, and anticipation anxiety:
"Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
"Each day has enough trouble of it's own," boy, isn't that the truth!
Then in Luke 12:25, he says, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" (NIV, 2011)
After a week or so, I fully recovered from covid; none of my worst fears ever came to fruition. The lesson I learned in all of this wasn't that covid was better than expected (because for some people, it is not), but that my fearful anticipation of it didn't add a single hour to my life. There was no benefit in it for me at all.
In the same way, for you, there is no benefit in anticipation anxiety of any sort.
It won't help you prepare. It won't help you prevent. The only thing it does successfully is disintegrate your peace for today.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself as you handle those fears of impending doom that may come up around every corner of your life:
What am I afraid of?
How does worrying help me prepare?
Can worrying benefit me at all in this situation?
Will anticipating anxiety help me in the worst-case scenario of my fears coming to pass?
After you've asked yourself these questions and can determine each situation not to be worth your worry, then remember this:
"If it cost you your peace, it's too expensive." -Unknown.
How did this article on anticipation anxiety help you?
Let me know in the comments below what some of your most significant moments of fear have been. I'd love to hear from you and have you share with our community!
Saying Goodbye to Anxious,
Kristina G.
You aren't alone if you've struggled with anxiety and depression during this pandemic! Here are a few articles that will inform and encourage you and allow you to feel a sense of community. We are all in this together!
Scriptures for Anxiety
Scriptures for Worry
COVID Depression and Anxiety | Johns Hopkins Medicine
Coping with Stress - Mental Health - CDC
COVID-19 and your mental health - Mayo Clinic
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